Lessons I learned from Reality TV (Post Two): Black Woman's Burden

 So on last Monday (3/15/2021), I watched "VH1 Family Reunion: Love and Hip Hop Edition". Just as a preface, I love the "Family Reunion". In case you don't know, the premise of the show is that it's some of the stars from every LHH franchise (NY, ATL, & MIA) are all in one resort having a "family reunion" of some sort. The cast members that are there are Yandy, Mendeecees, and Judy (From Love and Hip Hop: New York), Fizz, Apryl, Ray J, and Paris (From Love and Hip Hop: Hollywood), Momma Dee, Scrappy, Bambi, Erica Dixon, Young Joc, Karlie Redd, and Sierra Gates (From Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta), Trina, Joy, and Trick Daddy (From Love and Hip Hop: Miami).

Some of the cast of the Family Reunion. 
From Left to Right:
Ray J, Yandy, Trick Daddy, Jock, and Karlie Redd

As I stated earlier, I actually love this show. It's nice to see the cast interact with each other outside of the same old dinner and studio session scenes. Also, to see some of these castmembers (so far) work out their issues was actually cathartic and therapeutic as well. Some of the issues that are being worked out are, Scrappy's and Bambi's marriage, Scrappy's and Erica's co-parenting, Fizz's and Apryl's closure from their past relationship, Karlie's and Sierra's friendship and so much more. On top of all that, Karlie Redd, Trick Daddy, and Young Joc have brought their kids along and it's nice to see them work on their family issues as well. So, for someone who is on the other side of 30, this was a refreshing change of pace from Love and Hip Hop's, and all reality TV, usual shenanigans. 

Now last night's episode was another good one and I could break down every interaction if I wanted to...I mean ..it's my blog, BUT there was one scene that just stood out. Fizz and Apryl, who dated previously under the scrutiny of a lot of people because Apryl is the ex-girlfriend of Fizz's former bandmate, Omarion, were looking for closure. Things are not too clear of how the argument started, but we see that it gets heated and it leads to Apryl getting escorted out of Fizz's room by security. A very upset Apryl makes her way to Sierra's room, who at the moment is having a chill hang-out session with Bambi, and her presence makes it obvious that she's mad at something. 

Apryl comes into the room and informs the ladies that she and Drew (Fizz) tried to have a conversation about their relationship. She says that it was known that they haven't spoken in eight months. She goes on to say that she and Drew were fighting in the room about things that have transpired in the past. She and Drew revealed who they been with while they were apart. Apryl tells him of a guy, who Fizz doesn't like but Apryl feels like it doesn't matter because not only were they not together, but the guy isn't an ex. She then reveals that he admits to going back to an ex (Or two? I'm not too clear on that) and these were females who he would insult (That's a whole other lesson right there). She felt betrayed because it made her feel like it was done with the sole purpose of hurting Apryl. 

While Bambi and Sierra try to comfort her, Apryl goes off on this what I will describe as a sermon. She lists some grievances that have really resonated with me. 

In this scene, there wasn't an ounce of what Apryl said that was wrong. I've come to the realization of this some years ago. It's sad how much women, Black women, in particular, sacrifice for Black men and it doesn't come to our advantage. I spoke to a man about how it doesn't help women to pay 50/50 on the bills. I said considering all that most women do when they get home from work, there is barely any downtime for her. She goes to work and then comes home to work again. She cleans, cooks, takes care of the kids if anything, and let us not forget about supporting their partner. That is a lot on one person and then to top it all...she's paying HALF of the bills when she carries most of the workload. How is that fair? It's not fair at all.

Now some DUSTY men get in an uproar when this is mentioned. They always want to resort to insulting women, mostly Black women,  by calling her a gold digger. She's a horrible gold digger and only wants men for their money. Let's quickly dissect this "insult". One, why is it that some men go to the EXTREME opposite when women ask for the basics? I'm basically stating, if a woman goes to work and comes home and does the housework, she shouldn't have to pay half of anything considering she does more than half of the workload for the household. If the man wants to pay for a nanny and a maid to alleviate that burden, then go ahead...but if that irritates some dusty men, then hopefully one day they will realize that they want a maid and not a partner. Secondly, when throwing out the "gold digger" insult...why is it bad for a Black woman to want to be with a man that's rich? Why do Black women get called all types of things if they want to be with a man who has money? Other races...it's fine for a woman to go and be with a rich man, but for a Black woman...she's all types of horrible things. 

Anyways, back to the show, during Apryl's sermon both Sierra's and Bambi's input is very minimal. I believe that it resonated with them as well. It can be so exhausting to be a Black woman. To do all these things with the weight of the world on your shoulders and the expectation to either do it with a smile or shut the fuck up. It's a lot. So to see Apryl break down was one of the most honest moments in reality TV ever. (Hopefully, on this blog, I'll write and share about other reality TV moments that impact the culture, because some might be surprised how far it goes. ) The hurt in her voice was a hurt that I've heard in many other Black women's voices. Whether I heard it on another show, from family and friends, myself, wherever it was something that was all too familiar. 

Often the "Have a man's back" or "Ride or Die" narrative does not benefit us women, especially Black women. Sometimes we get caught on the backburner or as the mule for some families. We do everything with little to no thank you and even get disrespected at that. And sometimes, when we get into relationships with some well-meaning men and they can dismiss what we're feeling. Bambi says during her green screen moment that sometimes her husband, Scrappy, doesn't really acknowledge when she needs to take a break. It can be a lot. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the notion of having your spouse's back...up to a cost. I'm not into harming yourself or devaluing yourself to prop up a man. When it comes to your health, your safety, and your mental health at that, put yourself first. I refuse to be in a relationship where it's not symbiotic. Symbiotic, in terms of a relationship, means that both people are benefitting. I do believe that there is some sacrificing when it comes to a relationship, but there are somethings that I will never put up on a chopping block. More often times than not, Black women are expected to put everything out on the line for Black men with a smile on her face. And if that Black woman is discarded and left behind, she's supposed to just pick herself up, dust herself off, and move on. No tears, no resentment, no regret. There is almost no sympathy for her because she's not even seen as human. And some people will say, "Well you know the Black woman is strong." And I'm also tired of that shit. Yes, it's a gift, but it's also a burden. 

Saying that Black women are strong is a compliment but it becomes a burden when it's used to our disadvantage. If you're going to abuse our strength for your own benefit, then it's not helping us. In Apryl's sermon, she listed just some of the things that society and whatever has deemed our responsibility. She touched on having children, raising children, getting your body back, looking beautiful, and adding that we have to support Black men with how shitty the world treats them. It's a lot. And yeah, sometimes we take on a lot because there is no choice, but that happens when some men purposely drop the ball because...hey..she got it. To see men get praised for the bare minimum is astonishing. Changing diapers, going to a PTA meeting, just the most basic things meanwhile the women get paid dust. If you add Black women to that equation, forget about it. A lot of times Black women are neglected, disrespected and muted. It was nice to see Apryl say some of the things that we as Black women have been saying for years. 

I hope this show continues to shed some light on some truths. It's truly an enjoyable show especially if you're getting tired of seeing the same fights and bullshit over and over again.